Turtles All the Way Down

Daisy buys a used car, which makes Aza remind her that she is supposed to save her money. Daisy shows Aza a college guide, remarking that she had no idea that college could be so expensive. Aza studies the college guide, imagining herself in various college settings. Aza texts Davis and they agree to meet that evening.

After school, Daisy and Aza study at Aza’s house. Daisy has a new laptop. Aza scolds her for spending so much money, but Aza has no idea what it means to be poor. Davis picks Aza up. Aza’s mother texts her and tells them to come back so that she can speak to Davis. Aza feels uncomfortable bringing Davis into her house, which seems small and poor now. Aza’s mom asks Davis how he is, then tells him that though he may feel that he can have anything he wants because of his wealth, he should not think of Aza as something that he is entitled to. Aza feels mortified. Davis begins to cry, saying that he is sorry. Aza’s mother apologizes; she just wants Davis to be good to her daughter. Davis tells Aza that her mother cares, unlike most adults, who are hollow. Adults like Davis’s dad believe they are wielding power, but their pursuit of power controls them.

At Davis’s house, Rosa has set the table and prepared dinner. When Rosa leaves, Aza comments that Rosa acts like a parent. Davis replies that Rosa cares about them, but she gets paid to do so. Aza tells Davis about her fight that day with Daisy. There is a rumor at Davis’s school that he killed both his parents. Aza asks if the phrase “the jogger’s mouth” means anything to Davis. He has no idea, saying that his father was not a jogger. Pickett thought exercise was irrelevant, because the tuatara would unlock the key to eternal life. They go outside to see the meteor shower, but it is too cloudy. Aza thinks about the phrase “in love” and talks about the idea of being caught in a feeling, the way she is caught in her tightening thought spirals. Davis calls her a poet and reluctantly recites one of his poems.

Aza reaches over and kisses Davis. Suddenly she thinks about his tongue being in her mouth, which starts a thought spiral about his microbes infecting her. Aza tries to push away the thoughts, but cannot, so she searches on her phone for information on bacteria passed through kissing. Reading that 80 million organisms can be passed in a kiss and can alter the human gut biome makes her retreat to the restroom. Aza changes her Band-Aid and rinses her mouth.

Davis thinks that the kissing made Aza uncomfortable. Aza’s thought spirals will not get better, and they prevent her from having a normal life. They go to the basement to watch a movie. Davis asks if Aza has read Daisy’s fan fiction and recommends that she do so. Aza tries to relax, but she is sweating and still caught in her spiral. Davis drives her home. At home, Aza looks at pictures on her father’s phone. Her mother comes in and apologizes for hurting Davis’s feelings. Aza does not want to talk to her mother, so she prepares for bed. Her mother sings her to sleep.

Davis texts Aza in the morning, asking to get together that night. Aza apologizes for freaking out. Aza feels more comfortable texting than talking in person, but she still tells Davis that she cannot date anyone. Aza goes to her appointment with Dr. Singh and explains that she likes Davis but still cannot feel happy. Dr. Singh says that even positive changes can trigger anxiety. Aza shares that her intrusive thoughts made it impossible to kiss Davis. Dr. Singh sees this as fear of intimacy. Aza wonders if there is a “real” her, if she exists outside of her circumstances. Dr. Singh explains that Aza gives her thoughts too much power, that she is not her thoughts.

At home, Aza’s mother asks about her appointment. She worries that Aza’s anxiety is increasing because of Davis. Aza’s mother wants to know more about what is going on inside Aza’s mind. Aza might want to go to Amherst College; her mother cautions that they must be realistic about costs and whether Aza can go far from home. Aza texts Davis; with Aza’s permission, he talks about how much he likes her body. Aza wonders why texting is fun but kissing is scary to her. Davis invites her to his house on Monday.

Aza tells Daisy about her thought spiral about Davis and his microbes infecting her during kissing. Daisy jokes that perhaps Davis’s microbes will make her healthier, or even a superhero. Aza hopes that kissing Davis will get less scary over time. Daisy sees Mychal and runs over to kiss him dramatically. Aza goes to Davis’s house that evening. Lyle meets her and drives her in the golf cart to the pool. At the pool, Davis and Noah are hunched together. Davis tells Aza that he needs a minute and asks Lyle to show her around. Lyle drives Aza to Malik’s laboratory. Malik explains that tuatara are a highly successful species, with quickly evolving DNA.

Davis comes for Aza and they head to the house. Davis explains that Noah got caught with marijuana at school. Davis has no idea what to do, and Noah will not listen to Lyle. In the home theater, Davis and Aza watch a movie. Aza takes Davis’s hand and decides to try kissing him. Aza feels repulsed again as the bad thoughts resurface. Her thought spiral tightens.

Aza excuses herself to go to the bathroom. Noah calls to her, but she hurries into the bathroom. Aza struggles with herself, then pours hand sanitizer into her mouth and swallows. Outside the bathroom, Noah confides to Aza that all he can think about is finding his dad, but no one wants to. Aza tries to reassure him that she will keep looking. Davis asks if Aza is all right, if there is something he can do differently to help her. Aza struggles with the urge to drink more hand sanitizer. They watch the movie, not touching.

At home in bed, Aza searches Davis’s online presence. She finds a new blog that he began after his father disappeared. Davis starts each entry with a quote, then writes about feeling alone and sad for Noah. Aza comes to a blog entry that mentions “she” and Aza realizes that Davis is writing about her. Aza reads Davis’s poems about missing his mother and how heavily his father’s presence has weighed on him. Aza’s phone buzzes. Davis asks in a text if she is looking at his blog at the moment. Aza asks if that is all right and Davis is relieved that it is not a stranger. Aza asks if he wants to FaceTime. Aza finds seeing Davis’s face on the screen more intimate than looking at him in person.