Too Bright to See

Bug knows the moment his uncle dies. He is sleeping in his room, which is between his uncle’s room and his mother’s. He hears creaking on the stairs, going all the way up to just outside Roderick’s bedroom door. Bug’s mother does not believe in ghosts like Bug and Roderick do. For a moment, Bug tries to believe his mom and convince himself that there is no one on the stairs. Eventually, he manages to go back to sleep. Bug wakes in the morning when the phone rings. He hears his mom get the news that her brother has died. She comes into Bug’s room crying. She tells Bug that Roderick loved him very much.

Bug has grown up with his mother and uncle in their big house in Vermont. They moved there when Bug was a baby, after his father died in a car crash. The house is now full of people who have come to pay their respects to Roderick, including Roderick’s ex-boyfriend.

Bug wishes there were not so many people in his house. He has to wear a dress, which makes him uncomfortable for reasons that are obscure to him; he has been raised as a girl. To avoid talking to anyone, he goes to the kitchen and starts washing dishes. He sees his reflection in the kitchen window and it startles him. 

Bug’s best friend Mo comes to see if he is okay. She and Bug have been friends since they were little because their mothers started a card business together. Bug thinks about how much better Mo looks in her own dress, more grown up, while Bug looks like a doll. Mo gives Bug a hug and leaves. Bug stays in the kitchen washing dishes.

A few days after Roderick’s memorial, all the guests have finally gone home. Bug has been making himself useful, washing dishes and doing laundry to help his mom. One morning, she tells him that there is not enough money to send him to summer camp like they usually do. Roderick’s stay in hospice when he was sick was quite expensive, and her business is not making much money. She apologizes, and Bug tries to be brave and tell her that it is okay. In actuality, he is very disappointed.

Bug leaves the house and tries to bike down the road. An overwhelming feeling of grief comes over him, and he abandons his bike on the side of the road. That night, he goes to bed early. He wakes in the middle of the night with a strange feeling like someone is in his room. He keeps his eyes closed and narrates his actions. He wonders what a “girl in a book would do” and eventually opens his eyes a crack (21). He sees a thin figure standing over him. He quickly turns a light on, but there is no one there. Bug thinks about how his uncle used to comfort him if he had bad dreams, and how Roderick is no longer there to help him. He wonders why the ghosts in his house have started paying attention to him.

Mo comes over for a sleepover. She asks Bug if he has seen any new ghosts, and Bug replies as he always does: “Just the old ones” (24). Mo is very afraid of ghosts, and Bug does not want to scare her. Mo tells Bug again how sorry she is about his uncle.

The two friends set up their sleeping bags in the living room. Bug thinks about how he and Mo used to fight a lot, though they are now closer. Mo and Bug eat dinner with Bug’s mother. They briefly discuss Sabrina’s business, which involves making condolence cards with sarcastic messages on them. Mo talks about boys, and Bug wonders when she started thinking about dating. Mo asks Bug and his mom if they will start calling her Moira, instead of Mo, as Moira is more grown up. She suggests that Bug might also want to start going by his real name, but Bug hates his birth name. 

Moira has brought makeup and asks to give Bug a makeover. He envies how easy it is for her to be a girl. Moira paints Bug’s nails and does his makeup. She suggests that Bug get his mom to take him shopping, so that he does not start the new school year still “dressing like a boy” (32). When Bug sees his reflection in the mirror, he screams. His reflection looks like a stranger to him. He immediately washes off the makeup, to Moira’s disappointment.

That night, Bug cannot sleep. He thinks about how Roderick understood him and his discomfort with girly things. He always let Bug be exactly himself. Moira gets up to go to the bathroom and screams: She has stepped on the bottle of nail polish, which was inexplicably shattered on the floor. Bug tries to calm her down, and eventually they both go back to sleep.

The next morning, Bug’s mother makes them pancakes. Bug tells his mom what happened in the night, and she tries to provide a rational explanation. Bug is not convinced. Moira goes home soon after breakfast and Bug tries to clean the nail polish off the carpet. Bug’s mom asks him if he wants her to buy him some makeup, and Bug says no.