A Grief Observed

“It tells of the agony and the emptiness of a grief such as few of us have to bear, for the greater the love, the greater the grief, and the stronger the faith the more savagely will Satan storm its fortress.” 

Douglas Gresham is describing and summarizing A Grief Observed from his perspective of witnessing the relationship between his mother and Lewis, and also living with Lewis, after his mother died.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.” 

This is the first sentence of A Grief Observed. Lewis, in the immediate aftermath of his wife’s death, is describing the shock he experienced in the initial stage of grief. Lewis observes that he still experiences feeling grief as fear in later chapters of the book.

“Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms.” 

Lewis is in a time of great despair,and seeking consolation in his faith, but does not find any, nor perceive any response from God. Lewis observes that although he seems readily available in times of happiness, God is not there when he needs him. This is the beginning of Lewis questioning his assumptions about the nature of God.

“Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things of him.”

Lewis is struggling with his faith in God as a benevolent being as he tries to cope with the pain of his wife’s death and the memories of how his wife suffered from cancer. A committed Christian, Lewis cannot reconcile his previous beliefs about God with his present grief. 

“An odd byproduct of my loss is that I’m aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet.” 

Lewis observes that in his grief other people treat him differently than they did before. His encounters are awkward because his friends and acquaintances don’t know what, if anything, to say to him in his grief. This is one example of the isolating effects of grief.

“The act of living is different all through. Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” 

Lewis is describing the all-encompassing effect of Helen’s death as he tries to adjust to his new circumstances in the early days of grief. There is no escape from his loss.  

“From the way I’ve been talking anyone would think that H’s death mattered mostly for its effect on myself.” 

After reading what he has written so far, Lewis is dismayed by the self-centered nature of his grief. He will make similar observations about his self-absorption in his grief, at the expense of focusing on H., in later chapters, as he reviews his writing. 

“Already, less than a month after her death, I can feel the slow, insidious process that will make the H. I think of into a more and more imaginary woman.” 

Lewis is worried that the real Helen is being replaced by his own carefully-chosen memories of her, rather than the authentic person she actually was. He is concerned that he is losing her all over again in memory.

“I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get.” 

Lewis realizes that what he most longs for (the physical return of Helen, and the restoration of their life together) is impossible. However, that realization does not stop him from continuing to wish for it.

“Aren’t all these notes the senseless writings of a man who won’t accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it?” 

Lewis is criticizing himself for exploring his angry notions about a malevolent God who reverses traditional notions of Heaven and Hell. He is in the throes of his darkestperiod of grief.

“For then, though I have forgotten the reason, there is spread over everything, a vague sense of wrongness, of something amiss.” 

Lewis notices that even when he is distracted by work and not remembering Helen, he feels worse than when he is thinking about her. He cannot seem to escape from his feelings.

“Does grief finally subside into boredom tinged by faint nausea?” 

Lewis is concerned about what will replace his grief, which he knows must eventually fade. He worries the passionate emotions he is now feeling will be replaced by something worse: empty dullness.

“Of course, it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.” 

Lewis is trying to explain why he was so overwhelmed by his grief when he ought to have been prepared. He always knew that suffering and loss were part of the human condition.

“What is grief compared with physical pain? Whatever fools may say, the body can suffer twenty times more than the mind.” 

Lewis is remembering what Helen endured with cancer and chastising himself for thinking of his own suffering when what she endured was so much worse. He feels guilty for focusing on himself rather than her.

“What was H. not to me? She as my daughter and my mother, my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign; and always, holding all these in solution, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier.”  

Lewis is describing what Helen was to him in his marriage, fulfilling the many roles of a good wife and also emphasizing how much he lost when she died. He is past the worst of his grief and attempting to move forward.

“Still, there’s no denying that in some sense I ‘feel better,’ and with that comes at once a sort of shame, and a feeling that one is under a sort of obligation to cherish and foment and prolong one’s unhappiness.” 

As his grief subsides, Lewis is feeling guilty for moving on, which surprises him. He interprets this as a misguided romantic attempt to stay connected to the dead.

“For, as I have discovered, passionate grief does not link us to the dead but cuts us off from them.” 

Lewis has come to the realization that as he recovers from the all consuming, intense grief he experienced immediately after H’s death, she becomes clearer to him and more like she actually was. His preoccupation with his grief kept him from integrating her memory into his present existence. 

“For in grief nothing ‘stays put’. One keeps emerging from a phase but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats.” 

Lewis is recounting an unexpected setback to the throes of intense suffering, which occurred almost immediately after he thought his grief was subsiding. He is discovering the recursive nature of grief. 

“In so far as this record was a defence against total collapse, a safety valve, it has done some good.” 

Lewis is reflecting on the value of writing as a coping mechanism as he begins the fourth notebook. He has decided this will be the last notebook he writes on his grief as there are no more blank notebooks in the house. 

“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” 

Lewis is describing his new understanding of grief as a journey now that he is able to look ahead without despair. Having progressed through the most difficult phases, he knows he will encounter both new and familiar aspects of grief as he continues.

“Praise is the mode of love which always has some element of joy in it. Praise in due order; of Him as the giver, and of her as the gift.” 

Lewis has been able to reconcile the loss of Helen with his faith in God and realizes that he ought to have been expressing gratitude. He is moving from mourning Helen to celebrating her.

“My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it himself.” 

Lewis is contemplating the nature of man’s understanding of God, which is inherently flawed because it is human. He comes to appreciate the necessity of being open to the mystery of God, not his idea of God. 

“And now that I come to think of it, there’s no practical problem before me at all. I know the two great commandments, and I better get on with them” 

Lewis has come to terms with his grief and is able to accept the loss of Helen. He is now ready to go on with his earthly life, following the commandments to love God and his neighbor.